Talk:Another Senseless Ritual/@comment-25941663-20180807130216
I am jumping in as Banning's (inadequate) replacement. --- This seems very solid from a technical standpoint. I didn't notice much of anything in terms of grammar mistakes, typos etc. I want to point out though this line: "to respect this sacred "art", if you will, and they will forever steal your five" - I find that the double use of 'will' is a bit distracting. Maybe it's because I rushed through this part, but I was a bit confused at what you were writing. I suggest you change the "if you will" part to something else, like "if I may" or something. It's a small thing, but I believe details like these are very important to improve as a writer. --- Plotwise, it was again pretty solid. I am not a fan of ritual-pastas, but this was pretty interesting and the voice of the narrator was superb. In these types of stories, the narrator can make or break a story. If they are too dry the story will be boring and if they are too "funny" they will make the story a joke. For the most part, you tip-toed that balance amazingly well. Bravo! Also, I loved how the ending went full circle. It was a really nice touch, and I did not expect it at all. (maybe I should have though, but I'm not the smartiest bulb in the room) As a ritual, I did find some points a bit disorganized: "Cup the bag of ice in your hands" - Wouldn't cupping the bag prohibit us from performing the rest of the instructions? Or is the instruction of cupping in hands loose? Maybe we can balance it in one hand while we blindfold ourselves, etc. "You have now officially begun the ritual." - I thought I had already started the ritual by reading the instructions The above cases don't really detract from the experience, but they did make me do a double-take, which is never good. --- Onward to the scoring: Use of Silence: Even though the end goal of the ritual is silence, the theme of silence does not really appear in the story. Ultimately, the end goal could have been any other sense and if I didn't know the theme of this was silence, I wouldn't have guessed it. The story more or less revolved around the senses and not silence in particular. So, I'm afraid I have to go with a 50/100. Originality: Ritual-pastas are not the most original pieces, but this was pretty unique. There have been other ritual pastas with a mischevious, humorous narrator though. Overall it was unique enough though. 85/100 Fear Factor: Pulling off humor in a horror story is an insanely difficult undertaking. It is often hit or miss. You either get humor, or you get horror, both is pretty rare. Usually in similar stories, where the narrator's speech is filled with dark humor, a lot of the creepiness comes from the delivery. Here this was not that great, but it was not bad either. I believe you could have added some more scary sauce through a bit more descriptive work. Right now the story is not that scary, but at the same time it does have some real nice fear elements. Overall, I would say it's a 75/100. The story, in total, gets 210/300 points.